Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
