Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
