he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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