I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
