I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize