My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize