tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
