Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She tied me up with her honor cords...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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