i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
