i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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