I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
