My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
