Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize