i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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