I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
