life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
there's paper in my vomit.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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