Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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