Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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