This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
