we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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