woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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