I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
