I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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