Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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