just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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