Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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