Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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