either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
