you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize