I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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