Swine flu is the new snow day.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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