There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize