Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
