Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
