No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
