I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
