He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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