I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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