apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
