She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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