the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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