The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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