One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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