our cab driver is having phone sex.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
