At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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