In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Randomize
