My friends, they love my intelligence
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
