I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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