I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
