There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
