you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
