I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
