i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
my liver is dry heaving
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
