I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
