So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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