On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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