I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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