big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
