Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
