I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
